the extended version

Wrote this for one of my editor's senior projects... weak sauce, but still pretty dec.


So, remember that crazy day when Britney Spears went ahead and cut all of her hair off, supposedly claiming that she needed a change, while all of the rest of media screamed that it was cuz K-Fed wanted to drug test her hair? Yeah, you do remember that?

Well, does anyone know exactly how long her hair is now? Cuz, I mean, that was like… two years ago, wasn’t it? So you’d think that her hair is some normal length. Apparently it’s not long enough for our girl Brit-brit, because she’s still rocking the hair extensions.

And, the other night in Oakland, one fell out when one of her random circus people picked her up into the air. Now, the gossip sites are claiming that this is a hair extension… I think that Brit’s still doing the drugs and a chunk of her hair fell out. And, we all know that I’m the pro when it comes to these things.

Keeping on Britney for a second, a “reliable source” (okay, it was me,) told Ryan Seacrest that Britney is preggers again. I’m willing to bet pictures of my right nipple that the culprit behind this one is K-Fed and his mutant sperm again. Let’s all just hope this isn’t true, I’m not even sure that Brit knows where her other two kids are. For all we know, she might’ve eaten them by now.

Alright, I know we’re all getting sick of talking about how much different stars and starlets weigh, but I’m seriously getting concerned with Lindsay Lohan. I’m seriously afraid that she’s going to pull a Karen Carpenter (WHOA old name. I’ll give you a second while you go ahead and look that up… Kay, great.) and totally, like, die on us.

Seriously, maybe she needs to call Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham up and ask her for tips of being dangerously skinny without looking like a complete wreck, cuz I’m really getting nervous.

Speaking of size, just throwing this one out there… Kim Kardashian is still claiming that she’s a size two. Let me tell you a story… there’s no way that her ass fits in a size two. The end.

Listen, Kimmy, I don’t care how many pictures you post of the labels of your jeans, it doesn’t make you a size two when you’re paying the designers to sew a “2” in your size “10” pants. It just means that your designers can be bought. Kay, thanks.

Listen up, Disney. Like two years ago (sensing a theme in today’s column?) you made a Lizzie McGuire movie in order to end the series because little Lizzie was growing up, taking school trips to Italy, and apparently was ready to step into the limelight and become an international pop star. Amazing end to, I’ll admit it, my favorite Disney Channel Series EVER. I wonder if I can get that on DVD…?

Anyway, this year, Disney comes out with the Hannah Montana movie because Miley
Cyrus is growing up, busy being an international pop star and is, well, a slut.

So, basically, from what I can tell, the Hannah Montana movie is about Hannah being sick of her pop star life, wanting to be a normal kid again, and giving up her fab life.

Let’s re-cap on this. Lizzie MG = normal kid, wants to be a pop star, Miley C = pop star, wants to be a normal kid. Disney, I suggest hiring some new writers… and I happen to know one sassy soon-to-be college graduate that would be perfect for the job… ME!

Here’s my proposal for the Jonas Brothers when they decide to break up… they all jet into outer space to combat the war on aliens, who want to take over Jupiter, which the Eathlings also want. They play their awesome instruments and sing their dreamy pop music to the aliens. The aliens get effing pissed, and zap them all with their laser guns, thereby eliminating the Jonas Brothers from the human race.

Disney, I’m telling you, give me a call. That’s only one treatment out of the millions I have up in my head…

Sad news for Hayden Panettiere. While she was away last week, apparently she was robbed. This brilliant one says that there were no signs of forced entry, but like $15,000 worth of stuff was missing. Oh yeah, and did I mention that tons of people were in and out of her house while she was away, so it could’ve been any one of them?

What, does Hayden live at the JFK International airport? Fire those bitches, doll. Actually, I’m hoping that someone nicked her digital camera, too, because no good celebs have faced the scandalous nudie-pics being leaked lately, and I’m ready for some new entertainment of some celebutard claiming that she’s not a slut. (Cough, Miley Cyrus.)

Okay, the other day on Howard Stern, he played a “board feed” of Beyonce Knowles’ performance on the Today Show, and man how it sucked. Everyone claimed that Howard leaked this, but sadly when I’m in my boyfriend’s car, I listen to Howard, and he says that someone sent it to him, and he just played it because he thought it was funny.

Seriously, I’m sure you can find this performance on YouTube, B is wayyyyyy off key, and it’s hilarious. But, anyway, now the “leaker” of the board feed is claiming that it’s not really Beyonce singing, and that he tampered with the sound to make her sound that awful.

Really, I don’t care if it’s real or not. I just about pissed my pants listening to it. Being a radio pro and knowing how to mix sound myself (ahem) I can totally see how he could have tampered with the sound. However, I can also totally see how B’s people paid him off to say that he tampered with stuff and that Beyonce is really super awesome at living her life.

Let’s hope that they did really pay him off and that it all comes out soon.
Madonna’s an effing kook and a liar, in case you yourself haven’t figured that one out already. Back a few days ago when she fell off her freaking horse, (hahaha, Madonna fell off her high horse! Ohhh, zing, I’m goooood!) her publicist immediately blamed the paparazzi.

Well, a report just came out that Madge never reported that the paps were involved. See, article one, from Tyler Durden:

“…a police report said the singer did not report the supposed involvement of a photographer.
Sgt Herbert Johnson of Southampton Village Police Department (said): 'There is no mention of photographers. It's a matter of spin control that went out of control.
'If they felt there was something else, they would have written "paparazzi" in the form - if they felt there was a problem.'”

Doll, just stay off the horses. Go back to hunting for a little Ethiopian kid to adopt so that everyone will think that you’re as angelic as Angelina Jolie.

I really don’t know very much about Michelle Rodriguez (like, who she even is, but apparently she’s famous), but apparently she’s a spoiled little bitch. Again, on Tyler Durden:

“Rodriguez was no model bridesmaid at the four-day wedding of her best friend and manager, Giancarlo Chersich.
At the welcome dinner, Rodriguez pushed fully clothed guests into the pool. The next night, she broke up the bachelorette party yelling that the stripper was "fat and had a small [bleep]."

Rodriguez was ticked off when the dancer asked for a volunteer at the beginning of his routine and then made the willing babe kneel down. "That's bull[bleep]," the sexy star yelled. "He should be kneeling for her; this is a bachelorette party."

Sweet. She’s totally invited to my wedding.

Little miss “I’m famous for being the most boring human being alive with my own reality show,” Lauren Conrad was on David Letterman the other night, to talk about god only knows what, all of the real celebs were probably already booked. I mean, his people called my people and I was busy.

Anyway, I guess Letterman told her that if a sex tape does exist between her and (ex?) costar Jason Whaler, that he wouldn’t mind seeing it.

Letterman’s getting pretty saucy in his old age. In case you missed it, back in October, this guy got LC so confused when he began talking about the drama between her and Heidi Montag. He said to her, and I quote, “That raises the question, maybe you’re the problem. You think? Let me give you an example from my own life. For a long time, 10, 15, 30, 40 years, I thought, ‘Jeez, people are idiots.’ And then it occurred to me, ‘Is it possible everyone’s an idiot?’ Maybe I’m the idiot.”


And then Lauren literally sits and stares at him for about five minutes before going, “Wait. You think I’m an idiot?”

God only knows why LC decided to head back onto his show after that little exchange, but whatevs. That right there is quality television. Maybe Letterman should start writing for the Disney Channel… no, wait, I totally want that job. Scratch that, reverse it.

Finally, something sweet to leave you with… Snoop Dog is enough of a super celeb that he got his own wax statue at Madame Tussaud’s in Las Vegas. Next on their list to immortalize in wax.. your very own Betsy Skotch, of course.