Some of my back work...

2/26/09


So, I normally don’t talk about movies in my column, but let me tell you that I went to see
Friday the 13th last week and, well, you should probably go see it. I mean, any movie with lines
such as, “Your tits are stupendous,” and “You have perfect nipple placement” gets two thumbs
up in my book. Seriously, I laughed through the truly scary parts.
Anyway, on to the celebs, my stalking came through, and boy do I have news for you this
week! My personal fav celeb ever, miss Nicole Richie is preggo with baby number two!
Apparently, by some miracle the gods decided she was doing pretty okay with the first kiddo (which, by the way, we NEVER see out in public. I’m working on it.) and are blessing her and Joel Madden with a second. Congrats to them, and may it be twins!
In additional baby news, Heroes’ starlet Hayden Panettiere and co-star boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia broke up over a pregnancy scare. No, she isn’t pregnant, but yes, the relationship is officially over.
Okay, my question on this one is, isn’t he like 90 years older than her? Okay, like ten? First of
all, ew to the pregnancy scare especially when you have that much of an age difference. And second of all, didn’t Hayden learn anything from Anna Nicole Smith? If you’re going older, you’ve gotta go wayyyyyy older, baby. And make sure he’s bringin’ in the mega-millions. Poor girl.
So, I guess that the media has gotten sick of picking on Jessica Simpson for being too fat, because
it’s apparently time to let Lindsay Lohan know that she is too thin. I wish that they would just put out a list of celebs that are “just right” so that we all know where to channel our eating disorders.
Seriously, this whole weight thing disgusts me. What, it’s okay for Victoria Beckham to be a
walking skeleton just because she’s married to David Beckham and Lindsay gets called out for
her coke addiction? Let’s just check both of them into rehab together, and then go back to eating
cheeseburgers like the big happy gossipy community that we are.
Speaking of which, a cheeseburger sounds great right about now, I’m out. And, by the way, your tits are stupendous.






2/19/09

So, of course, the big news in gossip-city this week is still Chris Brown and Rihanna. Brown has
issued a public apology saying that he will be getting help, but this is not enough. Flip back to the
Opinion section, and read my piece. That's a demand.
Moving on to other news, well, there is little other news. It was a slow gossip week. And now
for proof that it’s a slow week, I'm going to talk about Salma Hayek.
Hayek got hitched to her on-again, off-again billionaire boyfriend, now husband, and father
of her baby, Francois-Henri Pinault on Valentine’s Day.
Apparently, they didn’t think that it was tacky to get married on the Hallmark-holiday of the year. Well, this gossip-er does think that it’s tacky. Here’s to hoping that the two have an on-again, off-again type marriage.
Kate Hudson, another celebrity that I never talk about, has apparently installed a stripper
pole in her bathroom. I don’t know about you, but like Kate, I too get the urge to take a few
spins around the pole right after I get done peeing. In fact, don’t tell my boyfriend, but I’m having one installed in his bathroom next weekend. Shh, it’s a secret!
Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Sarah, told Fox News that it’s unrealistic to think
that teenagers won’t have sex. You’ll remember that Bristol just had a baby in December.
Someone should’ve thought to have her be her mom’s campaign manager during the election.
I can see all of the missed headlines now - “Teens! Go out and DO IT!”
Okay, seriously, I’m sick of the gossip-C-list celebrities. Where are my wacky ones this week? Someone needs to take Britney off of her bi-polar medication and drop her off at the
nearest gas station so that I have something interesting to talk about.
Or, bring Paris Hilton back from the UK. She needs to get drunk and make out with, say,
Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend. And what about Shia Labeouf? Where’s he been hiding out? Just
because he gets drunk and shatters his hand in a horrific wreck, he thinks that he can just stay out of the limelight? NO.
Forget this column. I’m off to don my Hollywood camo and pink rhinestoned binoculars and
stalk these stars until I get real stories. See you next week, dolls, when I return with a tan.






2/12/09

Down with Chris Brown!
By now, I think that we’ve all heard about Sunday night’s unfortunate events before the Grammy’s. Chris Brown has admitted to assaulting girlfriend, Rihanna, turned himself in, posted bail and has been released.
I sincerely hope that this has resulted in a breakup for the couple. Too many of us have been in abusive relationships for even one woman to put up with it any longer. My thought is that we all boycott Brown’s music.
And, if you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, I am personally telling you that you are NOT ALONE and that you deserve so much more. Speak out because it is time that you end the abuse, because that’s exactly what it is. No more excuses. I’m begging you to call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
In more uplifting news, it’s comforting to know that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt spawned a bunch of little heathens. Apparently, the four oldest kids were running around some hotel in London, causing a disturbance to other guests, and the nanny couldn’t take care of them.
I personally think that is too freaking funny. Brad and Angie can’t handle all of the heathens that they spawned! The obvious answer is to keep having more!
My ADD has kicked in, so now I’m heading back to the Grammy’s. Did everyone catch MIA’s awesome wayyyyy preggo performance? She was due to have her baby that day, and instead I guess that she just crossed her legs as she squeezed into her completely see-through shirt and bopped around on stage.
Let me tell you, I think that it was completely awesome, although she got a bunch of criticism for that. I mean, someday that kid’s going to be watching a recording of that performance knowing that his mom was pregnant with him at that exact minute. Too cool.
Finally, because I need something to save this column and because I haven’t talked about everyone’s favorite future prostitute Disney Starlet in a while, Miley has yet another set of offensive photos circulating the internet, which she’s now apologized for roughly eight bazillion times. This one is of Miley & co allegedly making fun of Asian eyes.
Yet again, I have a solution. Take this chick’s camera away from her! She is obviously not responsible enough to be using a camera at age, what, fifteen? No wonder all of our little pre-teen friends find it fine to post slutty pics of themselves on MySpace… they have Miley, Vanessa Hudgens and Kim Kardashian to be
looking up to.





2/5/09

You know what I’m sick of? Talking about celebs and their weight. Nicole Richie’s too thin, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s really fat, and dear-celebrity-gossipmagazines-you-are-giving-betsyskotch-a-weight-complex-and-it’s-not-very-pretty (Okay, that was a lot of work to put all of those --- in there… appreciate it!)
You know the latest celeb that they’re trashing talking. My co-blonde, Jessica Simpson. Some people are saying that it was her outfit that was making her look chunky, but dolls, you can totally see her five chins. And I’m okay with that. I have them too.
But seriously, Jessica Simpson is a real girl, she’s no Victoria Beckham, she knows how to eat well! Personally, I think that she looks fab and that everyone needs to quit talking about her weight, quit giving real girls like me a complex, and move on to the more important celeb news.
Like the fact that Kevin Federline probably knocked up his latest girlfriend. Seriously. I heard it on the radio this morning, it’s gotta be true. And if it is, this girl should be slapped, because Federline is obviously a baby-making machine. I think this is like child number seventeen for him.
Seriously though, let this be a lesson to all of us. Keep your legs closed, especially if you’ve got a boyfriend that looks anything, strike that, ACTS anything like K-Fed. If Angelina Jolie wants a soccer team full of kids, she should probably quit messing around with Brad Pitt, and move straight on over to sleeping with K-Fed. I swear it’ll get the job done. Him and his mutant sperm.
So, I was watching the same show on E! all weekend long, something about whether or not celebs had plastic surgery. They were talking about the great Trainwreck-Tara Reid, and how plastic surgery ruined her career.
Now, I’m no brain surgeon, or plastic surgeon for that matter, but my diagnoses on that one is that plastic surgery didn’t ruin her career, it’s her constant flakeness that did. Embrace it.
Finally, I know you were all fans of The Babysitter’s Club books growing up. Don’t even deny it, you still have The Babysitter’s Club movie tucked under your mattress and you get it out whenever your roommate isn’t around. I know, I have it, too.
If you were a Claudia Kishi wannabe like me, check out www.whatclaudiawore.blogspot.com. This sucker has been my entire weekend, in between watching E! You won’t be disappointed, or your money back. (Psyche, you didn’t pay me. My gossip is free ;)

I. hate Perez Hilton

Once upon a time, in a far away land (okay, when I was a sophomore in College) I was introduced to the website perezhilton.com. And I was hooked.


Then, I realized that this guy is just not that funny. I mean, c'mon, the guy made himself famous off of a blog where he drew penises, cum and coke on celebs. Any moron with a paint program can pull that one off.

But, this guy was actually quite brilliant. I mean, he turned a simple not-so-interesting blog into television appearances, followed by his own show. He's apparently butt-budies with Ryan Seacrest, because I feel like I can't turn the radio on anymore without hearing Perez's obnoxiousness. Perez is on tv, the radio, the internet, you can find him in magazines, he's on twitter even! And for what? Being rude about celebs.

Well, I have to say fuck Perez. C'mon dolls, he's old. He's not that funny anymore. It's his time to fade from the spotlight.

There's a new media queen in town, loves. And you're lookin' at her.